Saturday, March 21, 2009

The cancer's gone . . . how much longer until I start feeling like myself again?!?

This photo of my friend Marcy and I was taken at my most recent sitting with a professional photographer. I had the idea to document how cancer would change my body through a series of black & white photos, and then put together my "cancer portfolio".

My friends are awesome, the photographer is awesome (she's even doing these sittings for me at no charge!), so why the f@%k can't I muster up a smile? How much longer until I start feeling like myself again? My reconstructive surgery is just a few weeks away, my hair is growing back (eyebrows are lagging behind a bit), and there's no more cancer in my body . . . WTF is wrong with me?! I don't think that I'll begin to feel like my old self again until I have my long hair back and I feel like a woman again. It was bad enough being called "sir" in the grocery store when I was going through chemo and had no hair under my caps, but now I get mistaken for a lesbian. News flash . . . not every female with short hair is a lesbian!!

Maybe I should shave my head again . . . . on second thought, not a chance!!

Must be rough . . .

As my reconstructive surgery date approaches I've noticed my anxiety level going up, which is strange because all through my diagnosis, chemo, mastectomy, and radiation I was fine. Or so I thought, maybe I was just really good at fooling myself.

As my worries increased, I couldn't help but be jealous of my dog . . . with no care in the world all he probably thinks about is his next long walk, or a steak bone, or ride in the car with his snoot out the window taking in all the smells around him. Must be nice to have a comfy place to rest (notice that he's spoiled with a pillow as well) and plenty of love and attention. He's blissfully ignorant.

I wish I could go back to being blissfully ignorant! In my next life I think I want to come back as a pampered dog. I think I've earned that right! :)