Back to life . . . back to normalcy

Or should I say, my new kind of normal. My blog updates are becoming few and far between, but I'm trying to be better. It's just been a crazy few weeks. So the first of my new news . . . went back up to moose country (northern Maine) to go whitewater rafting after taking a 13 year hiatus from class V water. It was actually a spur of the moment trip with an old college friend, and it turned out to be a great weekend.


They had booked the trip with Three Rivers Whitewater in The Forks, Maine. Sshhh, don't tell my old friends/co-workers at Crab Apple Whitewater that I went with another outfit! The weather for the weekend was less than ideal . . . rain, rain and more rain. Gotta love camping in that! So after the 6 hour drive north I arrived at the site to find that the girls had just finished pitching the tent . . . just in time! :) We were all very excited for our trip on the Kennebec River the next day. An 8000 cfs release is always a good time, no matter the weather!


Being back up there made me feel like I was 20 years old again! The adventures I had and people I met while working for Crab Apple was something I'll never forget. As we geared up I started to get a bit concerned. After all, I was only 2.5 months out of surgery . . . could I really paddle hard enough without hurting myself? Well, we were going to find out!! Cancer was NOT going to take this walk down memory lane away from me! After what was one of the scarriest rides on a rickety bus to the put-in (going so fast down a dirt road we thought we'd roll the thing, and then blowing out a tire and continuing on like nothing happened), our fun was about to begin.


The Kennebec was all that I remembered. Just like seeing an old friend after so many years, everything comes flooding back to you . . . the stunning beauty of the gorge, the power of Cathedral Eddy, the fun to be had in rapids such as Rock Garden - Three Sisters - Big Mamma - The Alleyway - and Maytag. And no, Magic Falls didn't claim our boat that day!


We had a fun day on the river and were more than ready for the lobster/clam bake that was waiting for us back at the base. I was a bit sore from the surgery, but I didn't let that slow me down on the river. Some of the guides found out about my situation and were even inspired. And come to find out . . . they have a survivor guiding for them too! It was a great trip, and I'll definately be back to take the river on again!

The next step

Went back to Boston to see Dr. C today. She is very happy with the way things are looking and we decided go go ahead and schedule my next surgery. So August 4th it is . . . a little nip here, a tuck there then I should be near the end of my road! I can't wait to see what my body looks like when all these little revisions are finished. The only question is . . . nipples or tattooing . . . I'm still on the fence. (I never thought that would be one of my decisions in life!)

Ink before cancer . . . looking for new ink post-cancer

The first tattoo I got on my abdomen was a yin yang with fire and water instead of black and white. I got it my first year of college and when my mom saw it, she asked me if I thought about how that would look if I ever got pregnant. Aparently that didn't deter me from getting more because the next one was of Kokopelli, and the next - Japanese symbol for strength . . . in addition to piercing my navel. After she brought that to my attention the pregnancy thing was in the back of my mind . . . I thought, sure maybe a few stretch marks due to a baby . . . but never in my wildest dreams did I ever imagine that I'd lose all my art to cancer!!

This is the photo that was taken when I got my navel pierced, you can't see all three tattoos but I'm sure you can imagine the other one. For about 12 years this is what my belly looked like (give or take a few extra pounds of course!!).


And now, this is what I'm starting over with. (Ok, not quite as this photo is only 5 weeks post-surgery, but it's an idea) The way I'm choosing to look at it . . . this is now a brand new canvas, a blank slate! So, after my abdomen is all healed up I'm thinking of getting another tattoo to replace the three that I lost. I've come to terms with the fact that I may never bear children of my own so I'm now not worried about stretch marks ruining my ink! I do know that I want the new one to symbolize my strength through all this and also my mom, who I lost to ovarian cancer. Problem being . . . I can't draw worth a shit! So if anyone reading this post has any ideas, fire away!!

3 weeks post-surgery

"Wow, that's quite a shark bite!"

Just one of the comments I've heard from friends when they see my donor site incision. I also got, "how many kids did you have?" when someone who didn't know me caught a glimpse of the incision. And to think, this is what the doctors and nurses consider a good looking incision!!

The surgeon wasn't kidding when she told me that the scar would be hip to hip!! It's been 3 weeks since the surgery and I'm hoping to get the last drain out tomorrow at my appointment. I'm also looking forward to being able to sleep comfortably. Sleepless nights are becoming old, real quick! Tomorrow I'm also hoping to talk more about revisions and what to expect in the coming months. Now that my belly is flat, my sides are more noticeable! I'm hoping that she'll be able to fix that when she does the scar revisions later on. After all, I've been through a lot and I think I deserve a nice sleek midriff!! ;)

Update - 9 days post-surgery

Just a quick update on how surgery went. My surgery was scheduled for 7:30am and they got me into the OR around 8. The surgery itself took about 12 hours and I didn't wake back up and become coherent again until about 9pm. I spent the night in ICU with them monitering my incisions and checking the flaps every hour. ICU was not a fun time! They had me on oxygen (little tubes in my nose) and the smell made me want to puke! That was one of the worst parts, I had to be on the oxygen all week and it also dried out my nose. By the third day I was having nose bleeds and the saline spray they gave me didn't really help.

I was moved out of ICU to a private room Tuesday night and Tuesday was also my first time out of bed. They moved me to a chair and I sat there for about 20 minutes before feeling like I was going to pass out. Wednesday the Physical Therapist came back and wanted to get me walking. We went for a little walk out of my room and down the hall and then got me back into a chair where they started some deep breathing exercises with me. At that time all started to go black and I got wicked lightheaded and again almost passed out. They quickly got me back into bed, I had aparently pushed it too far. The next few days got easier and I was looking forward to being released on Friday. Every day the plastics team would come by and see how I was progressing. They were very happy with the result thus far, always commenting that the incisions looked great and that it was going to produce a great result. Even one of the nurses made a comment that the incision on my belly looked better than her c-section scar.

I was completely shocked the first time I saw my body. It wasn't at all what I had expected. The incisions were huge and not symmetrical at all. It kinda got me down. I had expected the worst after the mastectomy and was extremely happy with that result. My scars from that surgery were about the size of a dime. This . . . just picture the stitching on a baseball and transfer that to both breasts! I know that it's too soon to judge, there's surgical glue and ink from being marked up before the procedure and blood under the glue, but it was shocking! I know that there will be revisions to make them more symetrical and that the scars will fade, but it's been such a long road that I'm more than ready to be at the end.

I left the hospital on Friday with 4 drains in place and planned on spending the week with a friend to be closer to Boston and my surgeon. Being close to the city proved to be a good idea, one of the drains became quite red and painful by Sunday night and when I called the office on Monday, they agreed that it should come out early. So Tuesday, my surgeon's nurse pulled that one and now I have 3 left. My first post-op visit with the surgeon is tomorrow. I was hoping that all 3 drains would come out, but yesterday the nurse told me not to be surprised if I went back home to Western Mass with at least 1 of the drains still in place.

This surgery was so much more difficult than I had originally anticipated! I thought that I would be able to do things on my own once I left the hospital . . . not so! I needed help with the drains, getting up, getting in the shower, putting on my sweats, everything! Thank god for my friend and her husband! They made my first week out of the hospital so much easier, I don't know what I would have done without them! Each day is getting a bit easier and I can now do simple things by myself, and am finally walking upright without pain and can get myself out of bed. It's still a long road ahead!

Night before surgery

It's the night before my surgery for breast reconstruction (DIEP flap) and I'm feeling a bit anxious. I packed up my bags today to head to a friends house who is bringing me to the hospital in the morning. I'll be in the hospital for a week and then staying with my friend for another week to be closer to the hospital in case anything happens, since I live about 2 hours away. As I was packing up my things, the dog must have somehow known that I was leaving for two weeks because normally when my brother comes over he runs to see him and follows him around the house. Not today. He was shoved right up my butt and wouldn't leave my side. He was so cute today.

As the hours tick down to the surgery time - 7:30 am tomorrow - I'm getting more excited. I can't wait for these tissue expanders to be out of me and to have squishy boobs again. And to top it all off, I get a tummy tuck as well! That's the icing on the cake right there! But it's going to be a long, tough recovery. One that I'm NOT looking forward to. But I have a great support system behind me . . . great friends that have done so much for me already and a family that will do anything as well . . . what more could a person ask for!

Getting the word out

I've found that being back out on the mountain is where I feel most like myself these days. All geared up . . . riding down the slopes . . . people don't give the "poor you" look. It's like cancer never even happened!

And, just when I'm back to feeling like myself again . . . the season comes to an abrupt end! I was able to get in some good spring riding, and even met a few new riding buddies, who of course asked about my condition but I didn't mind sharing my story. They all have women in their lives and I hoped that my story would make them realize that breast cancer is NOT an old woman's cancer. Young women do and are dying from this, and early detection is so very important!

So to all the men out there . . . save a life, grope your wife/girlfriend/fiancée!